How to Create the Life You Love

Despite being a self proclaimed introvert, our guest today believes doing uncomfortable and hard things is something that we all have the capacity to do. Her need to share her message is greater than her fear of speaking in crowds. Stay tuned, because being on stage as a TEDx speaker, is on her short to do list, even if she is going to have to take lots of deep breaths. Sometimes we all just have to stop and take a deep breath. So once private and reserved, Rene has stripped away the photo filters to talk candidly about the shame and guilt that most women feel on their wives. So they can find their own version of happy even after we connected. Oh my gosh, like months ago, we were both in this awesome group. And I got to learn a little bit about her. And I'm like, you've got to come on to the podcast. And it's been months. And we're finally here. Yay. Time flies when you're having fun. Right. So I'm so excited. Renee, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to chat with you today. Hi, Angela. I'm so excited to be here. So I am going to give our audience a little bit of background. But before we jump in, and really talk about reinvention, and the art of reinvention, and that's something that you're really an expert at, you're an expert at a few things. And you're like a fun attorney. Not all attorneys are fun, they're a little stiff. But before we jump in and talk about reinvention, can you just give our listeners a little bit of your background and your story? And how you've really gotten to where you are today?
Yeah. So you know, I it's funny, because being a lawyer and being an entrepreneur and having my own law firm, I have figured out that I don't like doing things the way that your so called supposed to do them. And it has definitely been a journey and watching the business grow. But it's by doing the things that are unexpected. So you say like you're a front attorney, you can't see my hair, but I have like turquoise hair back there and like just doing the things that that are so authentic to who you are as a business owner. And I have learned that trying to fit into a box has been the thing that stifles business. And when you're really authentic and you show up that way, that's when business explodes. And to my story is I'm a divorce lawyer who is twice divorced. And for the longest time, I kept those two worlds so separate because in my mind, the lawyer had to be all boxed up buttoned up. Like I had to have a certain image a certain perception. And anything outside of that was unprofessional. And then I went on a good friend's podcast and she started she called me one day and I had never done a podcast before and she's like, let's get together. I'll bring some sushi over. We'll have some drinks and I'll interview you. I'm like, okay, so she comes over. We have a couple martinis we have like a belly full of sushi. She like sticks the microphone on me. And she's like now I'm going to ask you questions, just roll with it. And she started asking me about my divorce and for the first time ever, I start I answered them. And when that episode dropped, I had so many women reach out to me say that's my story too. I sat in the shame, I sat in the loneliness. Like, I sat there on the floor and cried. And thank you for sharing that. And then like something clicked and I realized, why am I not bringing these two worlds together, and that authenticity and the vulnerability is what people want. And ever since I did that my business has taken on a new life, it has exploded in growth. And it is so true and feels so good in my soul. Because I have blended my two worlds and all along, I was trying to become look like or be something else be based on what I thought a lawyer should be. And that's not all, that wasn't the secret sauce to a successful business, it was, in fact, doing the complete opposite of what I thought I should be doing.
It's crazy, like when you actually just show up as yourself how people will flock to you because they relate to you. And I'm just one time to just one. I have many, many friends who pretty much they're all entrepreneurs. And I don't know about you, I got married way too young. I was working in corporate America, I was not an entrepreneur, yet. I didn't really know who I was yet. And the person that I'm married, not that he's a bad person, but we just couldn't grow together, we didn't have the same mindset, you either have to have a similar mindset or a supportive mindset. And I didn't really want to talk about it either. And in the beginning, but then I woke up one day, and I'm like, there's a lot of people that are divorced, and we're not perfect human beings. And it's okay. And it just means that there's someone better out there, or God has a different plan. And there's nothing wrong with that. Why do you think women are so especially like entrepreneurs? I don't know, like, do you think it's people will look at us like we're a failure? Like, why do you think women are so shamed by being divorced?
I, you know, it's such a great question. And I think there's so many answers to that. I think part of it is this generational story that we've been told, I know, I grew up in an Italian family, and you don't do that, like you get married, you stay together forever, it doesn't matter if you're miserable. And you don't bring shame to the family. You know, that's one piece of it. And that's what I hear from over and over again, is from women saying that they grew up in a really religious household. And you don't do that. And parents often have a big influence on what their kids do or do not do. And a lot of times people are staying in marriages, because they just don't want to disappoint. They want to be the good daughter, The Good Wife, and they're afraid to disrupt that. So so much of my work is kind of based on like, let's be disruptors, like it's okay, to say that you agree relationship, it's okay to say you know what, maybe at one point you were good together, and now you're not. And as an entrepreneur, it's funny because I do find that the rates tend to be this is my unofficial data tend to be a little higher. And I think because so many of us as women who are entrepreneurs, we're type A we're go getters, we're doers. And we're also not willing to settle for less. And you know, and that's like, that's a great thing that we have the courage to say, Okay, this isn't serving me, and I'm going to walk away from it. And I want, I want a successful business, and I want a successful marriage. And it's so sad when someone thinks that just because of they have got divorced, they're a failure, because it's not, it's not the case at all. It's not a reflection of them. It's a reflection of you as a couple, that diamond dynamic just doesn't work anymore. And there's nothing wrong with that. So, so much of that work is just talking about it to lift that shame. And other people say to me, like you talk about it shamelessly. It took me a really, really long time to get there. And it took a lot of like, going on social media, and I was not that person. I didn't do lives. I didn't share personal stuff to like put myself out there and start talking about it. And it gets easier as you do that. And I think that's what everyone needs to do when they're going through this in a healthy way, not in an unhealthy way where you're blasting your ex but just talking about your divorce as part of your story. It's not negative. It's not positive. It's just part of your story. We all have them.
Yeah, and really something that I've learned is like it's it's like a new chapter in your life and the past is the past and Not that. I've heard a lot of women say, Well, I'm just gonna start over. And I'm like, Well, I don't really see it that way I see it as I learned something about myself, and about what I want, and more importantly, what I don't want. And why just throw all of that away, because you learn a lot going through that you learn a lot about life. I had to grow up really quick and like, kind of figure out, but I was like you I grew up Catholic, and my parents were like, till death do you part and I'm like, but I didn't really know what military wife was like, and, and it's not for everybody. And that's okay. And so, like you I mean, it took a while for me to get over it. But we come out stronger people and such better people like on the other side, when you have that outlook. So for, for women who have gone through this, or they've just gone through a breakup, or I mean, Tom's have not been cheesy, perfect glittery, you know, the past year and a half or so. And I know a lot of people have asked me like, how are you reinventing yourself? How are you taking steps to growing your business or doing something different or modifying what you were doing? So can you give us some pointers or talk us through? For anybody that's listening? Or even watching? What are some things that we can do to really reinvent ourselves? Whether it's coming off of a breakup of the divorce of a new business, a close business? What are some things that we can do?
You know, I think it's getting really clear on what brings you joy. Before COVID I was I was I'm always a hustler. I always have been, I continued to be but I hustled in, filled my schedule, and did all of the things and in between that was raising kids and in having a spouse and you know, all of the stuff that happens in just life. And it was this GO GO GO pace. And then COVID happened. And we came to a screeching halt. And in the back of my mind, I always knew from my work purpose that I wanted my business to have a different model then me being the primary dealer. And the person who is you know, the one continuously making rainmaking and I wanted to I wanted a different model. I wanted to do something different. I wanted to do some other creative outlets, and I never had the time for it. And then when COVID hit, I said, Okay, I have the space now what am I going to do with this time? And I really tapped into, you know, what is it that brings me joy, and it's being creative. And then coming this is almost harder, it's easy to say this is what I love doing. It's really hard to say what am I not going to do anymore? And I had a business coach who asked me What's the thing that will get you from point A to point B and where you want to be? What's your know, what's your absolute heart? No, no matter what. And I said to her, I'm not going to take any more one on one clients. And when I said that I laughed to myself, I'm like, Yeah, okay, like at that point, I had probably 6070 clients, my time was built without like, I was so busy. And I just laughed, and I never took another client for that entire year. And now I'm down to my last three. And in that time, I have had so much space to grow the business, redesign it, reinvent the business, reinvent myself as a boss, as a leader, as an entrepreneur as a creative, and it has just like filled my soul up. So to answer your question, I think it come get clear on what brings you joy, because you ultimately want to do more of that and get clear on what is not allowing you to do that. And how do you make space for that and coming up with what that no is? In really doing it. as scary as that is? It was really hard to say no to the clients when they called and they said what I want to work with you. And I just I said no. And I said it unapologetically. And then something crazy happened. They stopped asking, you know, and it all my entire state team stepped in and now they're busier than ever, and they are fulfilling and doing an amazing job. And I'm not needed to be that front person who does that one on one anymore.
And it it does feel so good, right? Yeah. Oh, it feels so good. Free, like free. And for so many years. I thought nobody's gonna do it like me. Nobody can do it as good as me and you know, there's still there are still some things that I have to do and I'm sure There's some things like growing the business and working on the business, like, no one else can do that, typically, but unless, you know, we hire a consultant to help, but we're typically the drivers. And it is scary to offload things to your team. But I've been exactly where you are. And it's just like, empowering other people who were actually better at doing some of the things that, um, I was okay. Yeah. But like, I'm not happy at doing that stuff. So it's, it's so free. And I feel like I had to go through all that, like in my 20s, my early 30s. Like, do you think that that comes with, with age and like life experience of being able to be like, Okay, it's time to just let go?
Yeah, I mean, absolutely. I couldn't imagine stepping in for my first year as a lawyer and jumping to the place that I am like, you had to learn it, I had to do it. I had to know like, I had to get dirty and muddy. And I've, I was doing it for 18 years before I then stepped out. So I spent a lot of time but that also is like the that's the the superpower as to how to know, you know, how to know what the business needs, how to remodel a rebrand the business and what to offer clients, like how can we set ourselves apart from what we're doing? law offices, they're all kind of the same, they all look the same? So what different value can we bring? How would I know that if I hadn't worked with those clients all of those years, so it's absolutely part of the landscape and part of the journey. And I got to a point and say, okay, that that part has come to an end. Now I have a different vision. And I'm going to step into that.
That's awesome. So I'm curious, because I know that a deer in marriage, and then when there is a breakup or divorce, trust seems to be a really, really big challenging, be hag. Big, audacious, hairy guy, if you guys don't know. But what are some steps that we can do to trust, like, trust in other relationships, trust in other people? Are there things that that we can do to help us gain that trust in the future for other people?
Yeah, so the first thing I think you have to do is forgive the person, the other person, which has nothing to do with them. And people, you know, I hear it all the time. And I hear it from people in the space that I've been to like, if your ex is a jerk, you don't have to forgive them. I can't disagree more with that. Because if you hold on to that anger, and that bitterness, and that resentment, it doesn't impact them and only impacts you. And so forgiving them so that you can be released. And I think that that's the first step. And it might be something goes as overt as like I tell people write them a letter that they'll never get, and then burn it, or have have like a little mantra or something that you say releasing them and forgiving them, you might not feel it initially. But you say it enough, then you just let them go when you release them. Because a lot of times, you know, people the dynamic of a relationship really depends on those two, in my second marriage, our dynamic was horrible. And I showed up as my worst version of myself, said things did things that I would never in my right mind, have ever like, it's not who I am. But it was that dynamic in that relationship, that put me in that position. And so recognize and you know, what he was his worst version to, like, we weren't good together, and I forgave him, I release it. And you know, I hope that, that you find happiness. And that's really hard for people to do, but then you let that go so that you can bring in really what you want. And then the second thing is get really comfortable with yourself. Don't jump into another relationship, don't quick, fix your feelings, and put a band aid over it, though on all the dating apps for all of the attention, like really give yourself time to date yourself, to get to know yourself, bring yourself on vacation, bring yourself out to the fancy dinner and order the good champagne, just by yourself, put your phone down and get really, really in tune with your own thoughts and your own needs. So that you're not bringing someone into your life to fill a void or because you're lonely. When you make that decision to bring someone into your life. That's for the right reason. It's because they are bringing you joy, and they're kind and they have all of the things that you really want out of a relationship and it's not because you're just trying to fill this this missing piece out of your life, because you're really comfortable being alone. And that's really hard for people to do because when you leave a relationship, a long term relationship, a marriage you People lose themselves a little bit. And it's been a really long time since they were by themselves. And there's just something so liberating with going on vacation by yourself, you know, like, that's something that people will say, I can't do that. Well, why not? It's so liberating to know that you could do that and be on your own. And that's okay. And yes, you might have times were a little lonely, but that's okay, too. Like, you get really comfortable with those feelings. So those would be my two tips.
That's awesome. I remember, not too long ago, I was watching online church. And the pastor was up there saying, He's like, how many of you are married, or you're with your partner that you feel as though like, they complete you? And I'm sure, you know, he's like, trying to relate to people he's like, okay, so if you're at home in bed, just watching, like, raise your hand. And he's like, put an emoji. And, and a lot of people were like, yes, I'm with that person that completes me. And he's like, no, how many of you are single, and you are still searching for that person that you feel is going to complete you. And you know, the hearts in the emojis are like going, going crazy. And I just kind of sat there. And listen, I didn't really do anything. I'm just listening. I tried to be present and not like, multitask during, during the 45 minutes of charge. But he said something really important after that he's like, if those who view who think that you're searching for someone to complete you, no one can complete you. But you. And those of you who are happily married or happy in a relationship, you were a complete person first. And like you said, you love yourself first. And it's okay to be alone. And learning to be alone. I mean, when my father passed away, and I watched my mother, I mean, still to this day, you know, we laugh because it's like, I have to be her mom. And she doesn't like making decisions by herself, a brings her major anxiety. And so, and I've also seen it in a few of my friends too. And it's like, you kind of have to learn how to be whole again, and that it's okay to make a decision on your own. And, and it is very liberating, but it does take time to do. So. Our pastor, he was like, write it down, put it on your mirror, put a post it note, do daily affirmations, like there's an app called mantra, I think is what it's called, like, I downloaded it. And it does, like, it seems so silly. But each day, it's like, you hit the button, you take a breath, because half of us don't breathe correctly daily anyway, and reading those affirmations out loud and saying like I can do this is really, really important. And so is there a right time to start getting back out there? Like I know, you said don't go on the dating apps and like blast, because it's just toxic. And you're gonna bring in what you put out? So is there a right time? Like, is it a year? Is it a few months? Is it different for everybody? Like, what are your thoughts on that?
It's so individual. So sometimes you have couples who have separated for years, but that it takes a while for the divorce to get finalized. So at that point, when they sign their name to the papers, they may already be ready to put themselves out there. And maybe they've already started because there's there has been that separation. But I generally hear that it takes about a year to two years to really, really heal and not feel awful from it. You know, when I got divorced my first time, so much of what I struggled with was the guilt. Because I wanted the divorce and missing my son. He was two years old and the weekends that I didn't have him were heart wrenching. And it really took about a year to work through those and that those feelings and then recognize, okay, it's okay, that that I miss him. And now what Now am I What am I going to do with my time but there were many, many weekends that I sat there and I cried and and I felt all of those things. I am when people say that that's the reason why they're not getting divorced or not leaving a toxic relationship. Like that's not a good reason. Because that and you know, and they say, well, it's their kids are staying for their kids. Well, kids, no. And, you know, the question I always ask is if your child was in this relationship that you're in, what would you say to him or her? Would you say stay? Would you say do you want better for them? Most people say they want better for them, but yet they can't make that decision themselves. So as you know, I got off track with your original question for time, but it took me about a year to really to really feel better about And you know, Angela, I still have moments. For example, every spring, April comes in, I get this like, kind of weird feeling where I feel something. And I'm like, Well, what what's happening? Like, why am I feeling funny about this? And then I realized that April was the month that I filed both of my divorces. So while the sun is shining, and the tulips are blossoming, it brings up feelings for me. And it took me a little while to understand like, why am I in like, a really crappy mood in April? And like, Why don't my emotional Well, those that sun in the spring was also a sign of kind of the death of my marriages. And so, you know, this is years later, like I am, I am a lot of years out of my divorce, I'm happily married to the man who really is my partner. And yet, I still feel that way. So I think you have to understand that even even if you're 10 years old, even if you're new wanted the divorce, you are still going to have things that come up, and that's okay. You just recognize it for what it's what it is, and say, Okay, I'm going to feel it, and then you move on. So I think that that time frame is just a continuum of different emotions at different times, especially like anniversaries come up, or first holidays and things like that they can be triggers.
So you mentioned something really important. And when kids are involved, is there anything in terms of CO parenting, or any advice or experience shares that has helped you work with your children's father, to make it more of a positive thing, versus a negative thing. And I know what I automatically think when I go to this is like, Don't bash them in front of the kids, like, just don't do it. And it's so much easier said than done. But this is where therapists come in, to help can help guide you, like don't even have those thoughts. And if you do, like, don't say it out loud, especially in front of your kids like, there are, again, some of my friends, their kids are really important things are happening right now, like around the age that I am, it's like their kids are going, they're graduating from high school, or they're turning 16. And it's like they're getting a car, like really big things. And I mean, even working in events and weddings for so many years, being around so many divorced parents, and the ones that can't even sit on the same row during during a wedding, or I'm like, this is not about you, this is about your child that you created together, like have a healthy space for the child. Like it's so selfish, at least, this is these are the thoughts that I have, like, when I was doing weddings that I'm like, gosh, you're so selfish. Now, most of the times the clients always give me a hug, they would give me a heads up. But sometimes I would have to ask, and when we're talking about those ceremony, things, like who's gonna walk who and I mean, we even had to go to the extent of putting specific name tags on specific chairs, so that people don't ask and they don't get their feelings hurt. It's like, Oh, my God, your child is old enough to get married? And then you're gonna have kids and grandkids? Like, can't you just all figure out how to get along? Like, what is going on there? Where people just, they never let it go? What are some things to get unstuck from that?
I love that you brought that up as an example. Because that is the exact example that I use when people are going through a divorce. And I say that picture your daughter's wedding? Do you want this to be a joyous event that you're celebrating together? Or do you want this to be something that your daughter is paranoid that her parents and new partners are going to look at each other the wrong way, or who's walking in and you have the power right now to control that narrative. And so my, my son is being raised Jewish, I'm not Jewish, but his dad is and we had a bar mitzvah a couple years ago. And, you know, it was like, that was an example of us coming together to families, actually, for families, because we're, we're both remarried. And it was all about just the love for my son. And that event was so stress free, and it was fun, and he had the best time and we have friends who have the complete opposite. And when their child had their Bar Mitzvah, it was awful. And it was a nightmare for the parents and planning. And so, you know, I think that it comes down to you have to love your child more than you hate. And it is so hard to do sometimes. But it's keep a child focused. And it's not about how you feel about that other person, it doesn't matter what happened in your marriage, it doesn't matter if someone was unfaithful it did none of that matters, it is about your child, and giving your child what they are entitled to his two parents who can communicate with each other, and co parent. And sometimes people just cannot see it. And it's really heartbreaking because those are the kids who end up being one of the statistics, there's depression, there's suicidal ideations, promiscuity, like all of the bad things that that are attached to the word divorce doesn't really actually have anything to do with the divorce, it has to do with the conflict. And there are lots of well adjusted healthy kids who have divorced parents, because they were able to figure it out, it doesn't mean that it's all going to be peaches and cream, it's but if you treat each other with respect, you talk to each other, like you're talking to your boss, you're not going to flip your boss off, like don't do that to your your ex. And, you know, just little acts of kindness go a really long way. And what I tell people to do is, if you have a soccer game, for example, that you're going to show up with a coffee for your ex, like how do they drink their coffee, just show up with a paper cup in a coffee and you get them that and what that's doing is kind of setting the tone. It's just resetting it, there's not that animosity. And it's just saying here, I got this for you. It's like a $2 act, it's so simple. And but what happens is that that other parent isn't going to snipe at you really quickly, they just got a coffee, and then you do it again. And then the next time, they're going to show up for a coffee for you or ask you if you want one. And it's just, it's kind of like little just tokens a little like an olive branch, just to say like, Hey, I respect you, I respect your role in our child's life. And, like, let's just be kind and civil to each other. And it's something just so, so simple, but it really can make the difference in how the communication goes. But there are lots of people out there that struggle with that. And it's really, you know, it's really, really sad, sad, and especially when someone gets hung up on it's all their fault, not my fault. It's their fault. I guarantee you that it's working both ways. And it's never just one person's fault. It's always there, someone else might start it, but you're showing up and you're finishing it. So you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to when you get to change the tone of the conversation.
I love that you can change the tone of conversation. You don't have to play in that sandbox. Oh my gosh, that that's that's so true. So one last final question, what's the best advice that you never took? When you were going through some of this heartache? Did someone give you some advice, and you're like, I'm not doing that.
I think that so, so much of who I am, is I am, I can shoulder all of this on my own, I don't need a support system, I don't need, I don't need someone lifting me up. Look, I've got this, like, I'm a strong, independent woman. And, you know, I think that because I took that I really didn't have I didn't lean emotionally on friends or people who would have allowed me to really grieve the way that that you should. And I was I was so focused on, I'm going to, you know, show up in a different way like I had, I was building my business at the same time. So I was so focused on building the business and showing up as a professional and really just not allowing myself to openly grieve to people who are around me, I really just shut down. And I am finding now that it's community that helps people the most. That's why I have you know, I do the work that I do. And I have a private Facebook group, it's just building community and other people who are going through that so you can connect with them and say, okay, like you've got this and like cheer each other on. So that would be my advice of anyone who out there is find a supportive community. And you know, keeping it positive, like not a bashing community where you're going to focus on everything that your ex has done wrong, but someone who's really going to lift you up and say you've got this you can do it. You are entitled to be happy you are worthy of love. And, and surrounding yourself with that positive energy rather than just sitting with it by yourself.
That's so good. And I don't I don't know about you, but like in the culture that I grew up in, it's like, don't talk about it. Like don't Tell people, we have problems. We have trouble, we're dysfunctional, and everything is perfect. And I saw that a lot in the church that I grew up in. It's like, No, no, no. doco tell them that. And it's like, but this is real life. Like, we don't have it all figured out. And and I love that, like, lean on your community. And if there are people that are toxic in the community, they will make their way out, like the people that you need to be surrounded by who lift you up, and who make you feel better. And who can make a difference in a positive way in your life. Like those people are going to stick around. Like those are your roots. So I love that build community. So if people want to connect with you, where should they go? What's your favorite platform?
So I love Instagram. That's, that's my favorite space to hang out so you can connect with me. It's at Ms. Renee Bauer and then from there, I have links to some free resources and things but if anyone's listening, definitely connect and shoot me a DM and say hello and let me know that you you listened here.
Awesome. And if you are going through something like what we talked about today, Rene's your girl reached out to her because I know that you can help. I know you've helped so many, so many people. And it's like just reach out and ask the question, it may be uncomfortable, but on the other side there is something better waiting for you. So just reach out everyone that has been listening or watching today. Thank you so much for your time. I would love for you guys to comment, and let us know what was your top takeaway. And thank you so much for watching, y'all be sure to tune in next week to another episode of business unveiled. Bye, y'all.
That's it for this week's episode of business unveiled. Now that you have all the tools that you need to conquer the world and GSD get shit done. Would you share this with your friends and fellow business leaders? One thing that would really really help us and help new listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a comment and Apple podcast, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you tune in and listen to business unveiled. You can check out the show notes at Angela proffitt.com slash podcast and link up with us on social media so you can share your biggest insights. And I want to know your aha moments. Until next week, remember, the profitable shifts and structures you're creating in your business. help you be more present in your life. So get out there and GSD