How to Build a Values Based Business

Hi, y'all. It's Angela. I'm back for another episode of business unveiled. I'm super excited to talk with our guests. Today. She is coming all the way from Maryland. And we both just discovered that our cities have allergies.
So good morning, good afternoon. Good evening, wherever you're listening or watching from today, I want to welcome Erica to the show. How are you today? I am great love. How are you? I'm great. I'm super excited to be here. Before we jump in, and you share some amazing, amazing wisdom with everyone that's listening and watching. Can you take us back and share a little bit about your journey? And how have you gotten to where you are today?
Absolutely. So the interesting thing is, is that I kind of call myself the accidental entrepreneur, I did not plan this, um, in high school, I wanted to do cosmetology, my mother's like, No, you're going to use that big brain of yours and go do this International Baccalaureate program. And I'm like, I want to do that. So I graduated high school and began cosmetology, which was a huge place that I learned a lot about business. That was where I started my first business, which I still have, which is silver immersion. But I learned a lot about customer service, how it was interacting with people, what it looked like to be in conversation and relationship with others. And that was a large part of what really showed me that diversity, equity and inclusion were not things that just popped up. And it was like, Oh, this is a cool thing to do, let's do this. They were threads that tied everything together throughout my life, they were just simply ways that I operated. And ways that I viewed things when I would, you know, support people or give advice because anyone that knows when you are in the beauty industry, if you're a hairstylist, people will give you all their stuff, all of it, all of it.
So I learned quickly what it looked like to have conversations with people and how vulnerable and open they would be with me. And so when I decided to go into coaching, I really was keenly aware of how people did connect with me how it did change the results that they were willing to receive in the work with me because they were willing to be open about things that they weren't always open about even with themselves. And so it made it so that when we hit this point in our world with COVID, the social uprising and everything that's happened that what I have been doing long term, the messages that I had been talking about, and I had been, you know, been consistent about. But the time was there and people needed exactly what I was doing. And there was awareness that it was needed. And so much of that gets lost with people don't always think it's Am I being consistent? Have I made people aware that it's here and are they aware that they need it and all of those things converged in this way that I am able to make impact that I am so immensely proud of and humbled.
It's really been an interesting time, but I will say I don't know about you and how you feel but I feel very excited and energized by all that has happened over the past 24 months because I feel like our country like we're making strides that should have been made and talked about, like hundreds
Two years ago, I'm glad that technology exists now. And I'm glad that we are able to connect across the world with technology so that we can have these conversations and, and some of them are uncomfortable. But what I've realized over the past few years is that who's making it uncomfortable. And usually, it's, it's, it's you or it's been me. And I'm not saying something because it does make me uncomfortable, or I don't want to say something, because it might hurt someone's feelings. And that's not what I meant. But then also, to take it a step further, something that has just really hit me in the face over the past few months, too, is just, it also has to do with the way people were brought up. And their awareness. And they're just, they're not self aware. They're not I mean, even myself, I was like, God, I'm not aware of what the hell is going on around me. And I've started to pay attention differently. And you know, if you see something, say something kind of thing. But one thing when, when I was reading about you last night, is that you talk a lot about stereotypes. And I'd like for you to share a little bit more about your experience. I mean, I have the stereotype I grew up like I'm the dumb blonde, and I'm the short, dumb blonde girl and the dumb blonde jokes. And that's a stereotype and I don't care what people think about me, when I lay my head asleep. Oh, well, and I've helped a lot of people. But what is your experience been like with the the stereotypes because I feel like as I was reading some things about you, you've really taken the way that that you've seen all of these things in your salons and what people are thinking and then you've taken it to a completely different level to really help people. So are there any experiences that that you could share with us?
I think the interesting thing about stereotypes is there's a there's a little bit of duality to it, there is the place of having to acknowledge that they exist as an easy way to quantify what somebody is or isn't, it's really there to make you not have to think too hard. Let me not let you be an individual. It's very much like oh, no, you are this and this and this. So therefore you are blah, blah, blah. And so it, it really just wipes out your humanity and individuality. And so I think once you can acknowledge that part, you can kind of approach it differently. But the other piece of it too, is that we also have to kind of acknowledge like, is, is there possibly any truth to it? And I'm going to use an example. And it's like the stereotype of a Karen, somebody that's like, oh, no, I want the manager, I hate everything, you're going to give me what I want. I'm going to cry, I'm going to weaponize, you know, and unfortunately, in most cases, but you know, my whiteness and my femininity. And so there are stereotypes sometimes that not all of them, but some of them do have validity. And so you have to kind of acknowledge sometimes, is there anything here that maybe I need to pay attention to? That I am dismissing? Because, Oh, of course, I'm not a stereotype. And it's like, let's make sure that we're not somehow playing into something inadvertently, that there is some truth to what there's also that space there of having to acknowledge for yourself,
am I using a stereotype of what a person is or is not? should or should not be? Because I am being lazy. I just don't want to utilize my own time and effort to get to know you to decide who are you and how you can actually defy what I thought you were. The challenge with that is that they start to unravel things. And that gets people really uncomfortable. They're like, wait, but if that was wrong, and I thought that was true, what does that mean about everything else? So they're like, oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, my head hurts too much. So they push away.
Yep. And again, like, I love being in the, the time that we're in, because it's more people are asking more questions, like, not that acceptable. It's not even the right word. But I just look back to the way that my parents were raised, and then the way I was raised, and then the more I travel and speak and meet people and learn more and get to know people, you know, it opens your mind in a whole different way. And it's really neat to come back and, you know, teach my parents and teach my siblings and and teach some of
The the people that are in my advisory board, and in within my company that it's like, Oh, no.
Each person, like we're all people, we all have a story, we all have a past, we all have history.
You can choose, like you said, you can choose to be lazy or be closed minded. And there are a lot of people like that in the world. And I just choose not to have them in my life anymore. I mean, it's just, it's really that simple. And when you start to surround yourself with the people who have that open mindset, and they want to learn, and they want to grow, and they want to treat each and every person, like a person, things start to change. How do you think that social media has, has shaped this? Because I know, I don't know if social media existed when you started a business. But it didn't exist when I started my first business, and the perception, and then what's really happening. And then the whole thing of social media is meant to be social. It's not meant to be all these flippin numbers, people are so focused on the numbers, and I'm like, I'd rather have 100 people in my corner, they're gonna learn from me and actually take action than a million people who do nothing with anything that I say, and they're just liking it. And it's like, okay, well, you can scroll for hours and like 1000s of things. But if you're not taking action on anything, what are you doing with your time? So do you think that some of this, this social media has shaped it in a good in a positive way? Or, or an more negative way? What are your thoughts on that? I'm so glad you said action, because we talk about action all the time. And it's a huge driving factor of how I frame everything, on my podcast, pause on the play, because of the fact that these empty things that are not actually rooted in what do you do? And how do you do it? And are you doing anything I'm like, Okay, this is just words, that doesn't do anything. So thank you for that. Because I think that that's so important. And know, when I started my business, social media was, I mean, it was there. But it was not a thing like it is now in any way, shape, or form. I built my first business from actual networking, having to have conversations and referrals and face to face meetings, I could not hide behind a screen and zoom meetings. Now there's a place for that, and it can widen your reach. But it can also make people stay stuck. And they don't spread out enough. So I think social media, I do really think it's a gift and a curse. I think it's a gift in the sense that
with the social uprising that's happened. It has given people that don't happen to be physically close to each other, the opportunity to connect based on shared values and goals and things that they want to accomplish.
And I think that that can improve, strengthen numbers.
Now the other side of it is
it really gives people put her muscles as I've had somebody call it where they would say or act, or be in a way that they would never be in person. So as much as I think
social media has amplified the reach of movements that do need volume and numbers, it has also given people with terrible opinions, and just very limiting beliefs of how the world should be a soapbox. And the idea that they can say and do anything. And it is extremely harmful. And they otherwise would never have said it in public. But for some reason online, they will it has embolden them and in the same way that it brings people together in a positive way. It can also bring together people, you know, in a negative way, think about like Charlottesville, think about the insurgency at the Capitol, these types of things didn't happen because they were just in DC it was this online networking of hey, let's all do this together. So we have to always keep in mind that as much as there's this beautiful thing, there's this not so beautiful thing. And so what can you do to make sure that you are taking care of your mental health and well being when you're in this space that can throw either side at you at any given time?
Yeah, it's it's so true.
It's like, I mean, all the crazy stuff that's been happening. It is so powerful. But then also on the other side. I mean, there's still reports coming out about, like what happened in DC. And people are, but because of social media, people are being held accountable for it. Because there's cameras everywhere people like volition thought nobody saw you. Right? It's like,
do you think you're invisible? Because you can hide behind a Codeworks? pewter? No, it's it's just, it's insane to me. So you often talk about this imperfect out, just ally. And so
I think I know what that means. Like, from being in salons and
and I was never in cosmetology, my sister works in a salon. And then I was in healthcare, and I worked around a lot of image consultants and plastic surgeons and dermatologist and not that that was a salon. But kind of you felt like you were a bit were in that? Yeah, it's I mean, it's all, you know, based around beauty. And some of the things that that these women would say, and mostly they were women. I'm just like, You are beautiful, like inside and out. And where does this, this lack of competence come from. And then this is way before like coaches and consultants were like, the thing like that, that stuff didn't exist back. And, but there was an image consultant who got to be around a lot, who was working with women on their mental health and exactly what you were just saying, and building up their confidence, but a lot of it went back to their childhood. And like, again, the environment that they were raised in and, and a lot of women just put up with stuff that they shouldn't be putting up with. And I never experienced that personally. And so unless you've experienced it, it's really hard to understand, like, what that means, but it's no one's perfect like that. That's okay. But you really are an advocate for the LGBTQ I like community. And I know that being I mean, I grew up with with a gay uncle who was very successful in in wedding planning and and venues, but also watched the way the community treated him and the business. But then I also watched people who were not within the community, but they would come in as guest for for a wedding or an event. And how it was even 10 years ago to how it is today is so much more normalized. And again, we're all people. So I remember the first call that I got, probably 15 years ago from from a girl who was like, I'm marrying a woman, it's not legal in Tennessee, but do do gay weddings. And no one had ever asked me that before. And I said, well, as long as you're happy, and your best friends and your love, I'll help anybody. Like, I don't know why you're asking me that question. I mean, I was just completely thrown off. I mean, this is like in the first 30 seconds of a phone conversation, because you know, back then we didn't have text.
And she's like, No, I've called a lot of yeah, I've caught a lot of photographers, and they won't shoot it because it's not legal. And one photographer told me that his wife would divorce him if he ever shot a gay wedding. And I said, Listen, I'm just going to be upfront with you I grew up with with two uncles that were born that way, and they talk about it. And I grew up around it in the South, in on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. And so it doesn't make me uncomfortable. And again, it all goes back to happiness. And so I'm really sorry, you're having that experience. But then I started to have that experience when I started to reach out to venues and vendors and to do these events and how they they stereotyped, they treated people differently. And then there's some vendors that looked at me differently because I was taking on the opportunity. And I'm like, you don't have to be part of this, if you don't believe in it. And you know, living in the Bible Belt, some of the shit people said to me, I'm like, Wow, you're really not a good person. I really don't want to work with you anymore. And like true colors, like really started to come out and people. So to me, like when I think about that this imperfect ally, it's like, that's where my head goes. And it's like, I want to help stand up for those people, because we're all equal people, but to you
What What, where does that come from? Where does that passion come from being imperfect? Um, first of all, there's and I do think social media has a large part in it. There's way too much space that is taken up nowadays in life in business, real or perceived. And I say perceived because online is not real, like, let's, let's be honest about it. It's not it's it's curated.
But it's to bathe in in perfection. And that's not real. You don't learn by being perfect. You don't come across discoveries that make you better. And that creates environments where those around you can be better by being perfect. And this entire mindset of, I can't show it. I can't do it. I can't be it. It's not perfect. Is such a lie. And it's something that unfortunately feeds into you supporting others that don't look live or love like you do. If you can't do it perfectly, there's so many people that will not do it, because they're like, but what if I get it wrong? What if I mess it up? What if I say the wrong thing, and it's like, you treat it like any other mistake, you apologize, you make amends, you learn how to be better you rinse and repeat. Period, I'm not sure where this piece comes in,
of allowing your resistance to being wrong. Pause progress for those that do not have the liberty to wait until you are comfortable.
That baffles me. And as a black woman who has children
that are biracial, okay, they are black and they're white, I can clearly see how they've already had experiences that Stephen and I, okay, that have shown that they are too much and not enough at all, that they will not escape racism, that this is not something that they're going to be able to get away from. I was keenly aware of the wedding part of my business meeting to support everybody that wanted to celebrate their love, because I knew what it was to be in love with someone that was waiting for people to pass judgment,
verbally and non verbally. And so for me I could not fathom not doing that, because I could clearly see that before marriage equality was legal, and even though was legal. There's still a whole lot of people out here.
Hopefully I can say this, there are assholes about it. And completely assholes. Oh, like I knew that at that point. It was probably just over 60 years ago, when the Lovings were the ones that made interracial marriage legal, which Loving Day just passed earlier this month in June, I knew what that was for someone to say that you can't do this. You can't be married, you can't be in love, you can't have children, they're an abomination. Because I don't want you to do something that I don't agree with. And if you had to do it, you just don't want me to do it. And so for me, it felt like how can you look at someone and say that you can't be in love. And I always think there's an old Family Guy episode. He's like, you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married. And I was always like, well, it really was out of that.
If you don't agree with it, you don't have to do it. Nobody said that you had to but who are you to tell somebody else that they can't. And so for me
the difference in what I'm aware of now in supporting LGBTQIA plus community and what I knew 1015 years ago, when it did become something that I wanted to bring forth front facing in my business and did not care how anybody felt I would rather lose the business and to have somebody misaligned, and then offend my clients because I didn't have those people that were like, everybody wasn't lying to us. And thank you. Thank you for representing me and your imagery. Thank you for having contracts that weren't gendered, you know, those things mattered to me. And so the concept of not providing that safe space for them, knowing what it is for me as a black woman to not have safe spaces. I'm willing to screw it up
and to figure out how to do better. Knowing that I cannot ignore that. I just can't. And it's not always easy for anybody that puts themselves in a position to advocate an amplifier.
something that needs to be done differently. But you have to remember that it still needs to be done. And you have to be willing to be uncomfortable. You started a whole business and didn't know what was gonna happen. That's uncomfortable. This is just one.
Fine, you can do it in the perfect ally ship is absolutely possible. It's absolutely possible.
Do you think that after you had kids, you
wanted to push them more to be equipped with the the right attitude, and I don't even know like what the right attitude is, but like the mindset of, okay, this shits real, and you're still gonna have assholes in the world. And this is how we can respond. And this is how we can either help these people, if they have an open mindset. Or no matter what you do, or what you say, or how positive you are, or how you try to get to know them, they're not going to change and their mindsets not going to change, and they're gonna continue to be negative. And then those are the people that we just don't surround ourselves with. But do you think that when when you see it in your kids, it just it takes your passion and your awareness? And and the coach part that comes in of just like wanting to fix it all? Like, do you feel that like, through your kids, like more and more,
oh, my gosh, yes, my kids. And for a long time, I was very afraid of having kids, because I grew up with,
I grew up with a lot of abuse. And it was not not an easy childhood that I had. And so I didn't necessarily know what it looked like to do it well, but I knew what it looked like to not do it. So well, you know,
there was some of that feeling of, you know, apprehension, and at the same time, it was an opportunity to kind of break that repetitious cycle. And to do it differently. And so in having them,
part of it is,
I am keenly aware that I have to give them a strong sense of self, because they're going to be too much and not enough all at the same time, depending on who they're interacting with. They are beautiful. It's not just because they're my kids, but they actually are and people are going to fantasize them. And I feel like people are going to want to put on you what they want from you. And so you have to have enough of a sense of self, that you're not swallowed up in a persona that somebody created, because that's how they need to process you. I also am keenly aware of making them aware of conversations around race and normalizing it. So you know, when it came to like elections, we talk about, Oh, who's running? You know, if like, my son would be like, This person is not a good person. And I'm like, why? Give me reason. And so we have conversations around these things. We have conversations around, like when George Floyd was murdered, he's like, Why are these people protesting? And he's like, I'm like, I asked him, and I'm like, why? He said, Because they killed that man. I said, No, because they killed an unarmed black man, I saw the wheel turn for a second, he said, okay, and he got it. And I try to make it like these small moments here or there versus like, let's sit down and do the after school special for 45 minutes, and you have zoned out three minutes in.
Try to make it smaller pieces here and there.
And we do talk about what that looks like, and where injustice is show up. And, you know, when they experience racism when we talk about what it is what it isn't why it's not actually them. It's someone else's perception of them. But I also equip them with ways to cope, and different levels of awareness that I was not given. So for example, people laugh at this, like, I'll hear my kids arguing. And they'll say you're respecting my boundaries,
say to each other, because we talked
about boundaries. We talk about autonomy, we talk about personal space.
Therapy is normalized. I give my daughter little things that she can do with tapping, if that helps her to calm herself if she gets upset, because they're full of emotions are super empathetic. And so it's like, we have to learn how to process things. And so we talk about things in that way. So as much as I think that it's important to address what the reason
Reality is around them, because I don't believe in necessarily shielding them from that because the world is what it is. And I can't be with you every moment, there's going to be a point that I'm not here and I want you to be equipped for that. But I also want them to know, how do I care for myself? What does mental health mean to me? What do I have access to, and me normalizing things that they have access to, that I did not have access to, until I was an adult, they could pay for it myself, and could get paid for anything that was given to me as a child about it.
I think that what it seems like such a simple thing, just talk about it, just talk about it with not just with your kids in your family, but like, with your clients, with your friends, with your co workers, like with your team members, just have a conversation. And it's something that people do, they don't know how to do it, some people don't, and they don't know how to have uncomfortable conversations. But I know every time I go into an uncomfortable, what I think might be uncomfortable, I'm not uncomfortable, you're gonna know exactly what's on my mind. And I'm going to deliver the message with a smile on my face. But I go into it thinking about how the other person is going to perceive it? And are they going to listen, not just listen, but understand and comprehend the message that I really want to relate to them. So I know that you have some strategies that you use in your salon, and then your online coaching business, what are some of their strategies that you can share with anyone watching or listening today, so that they can make sure that they're making their clients and their customers feel like welcome. And that, that they are bringing them into a safe welcoming space? What are what are your top strategies for that?
One of the biggest ones, honestly, is as simple as listening. Because some people are so busy trying to talk in like, you need to understand where I'm coming from, I need to say what I have to say. And if I don't say it, you're not going to know, and you're gonna think this about me. And you're so busy focused on self, that you haven't created an environment where somebody wants to be in conversation with you. So part of it is like, stop talking, listen to what is being said, and actually hear what is there because honestly, to me, the biggest chunk of conversation is what's not being said, How much gets left on the table. And being able to facilitate a space where somebody can be open in that way. That can't happen if they feel like you're standing there. Like it's you're playing a game, a double dutch waiting to jump in and get your point in. It's like, no,
like, hard stop, stop.
And part of that came up with for me when I was in my coaching, training, that kind of what feels like an uncomfortable silence. Sometimes you're like that went too long. It's like, no, it's actually just leaving space that the person is like, Oh, I actually can talk here, you're not gonna start talking. And I think that that's one big thing that is there's not enough of that. Another is
are you clear on what your values are, you know what matters to you. Because I think the conversations that you have the spaces that people are in with you the types of dialogue that they're willing to have, it's much easier to be able to open up and have that conversation with someone when they know it is a safe space. Because if if you put you know, something within your language that acknowledges that,
let's say a salon,
that it's LGBTQIA plus safe in some way, shape or form that changes some of the conversations people are going to have. Now the other side is you're going to get rid of people that don't want that great, I don't need you to be here. That's right, because like, like you got to go because people that are misaligned, are going to throw off your conversation. Because if you work in, let's say the wedding industry, and you have multiple people that could be clients in a building at the same time, and this one over here is getting married for someone that is transgender, but this person across the room is like hardcore Roman Catholic, I don't believe in any of that. Somebody is going to be uncomfortable here. And somebody is not going to be able to be served as well. And you're not going to be able to do your job well with either one. That's a problem.
And so when there is that space, of clarity of what it is that you are in support of who's an ideal
Client, for the types of people that you amplify what they do and that you want them to know that they are safe and witnessed and recognized and embraced hear you, if you're more open and transparent about that, then you're going to call in the ideal people and repel the ones that just make it an unsafe and, you know, not conducive environment for everyone.
That to me, if your values you know what they are, and you practice them out loud out loud with action, going back to what we talked about at the beginning, that changes everything. Because if you have and this is not this is not mean have a bunch of yes, people around you, I think there's a difference of people that are all like Stepford people and immigrants with everything, versus people that are on the same wavelength. And that positive discourse can happen fruitful discourse can happen, you don't have to agree on all the things that exact same way. But you don't have to worry about talking about interracial marriage, and all of a sudden, oh, my gosh, half of the room is out. Or I'm going to talk about LGBTQIA plus love and want blah, blah, blah, and the corner of the room is about the make your your client run, because she's not gonna pay for it now, whatever that is. And so this is where if you're being open and authentic, and actionable with your values, everything else is going to feel so much more fluid.
And it's just going to feel right. And it's like some of these feelings, or emotions, never, it's not like we sit around and think about it as business owners until it actually comes up. And then it's like, oh, what really do I believe? And I mean, one of the reasons that I stopped going to the church that I was raised in, I was raised Catholic, but my parents were like, You love everyone. And you treat everyone the same. everyone with respect, you smile at everyone, it could change their day. And I didn't really understand that until I worked in mental health. And wow, you never know what's going on with someone. And then when thing started to come up, and you know, you're at a church picnic, which is kind of what did it for me. And you're listening to a group of people talk and say things and stereotype and say things that I just completely disagreed with. And of course, I said something because I can't keep my mouth shut. And I'm like, Well, I know that maybe the Pope says this, or the religion says this, but my, my uncle, my dad's brother, is gay and, and he's awesome. And his partner's awesome. And he does a lot for the Catholic Church in the community, and the community they lived in.
They really respected him. But I think that had to do with the business side of it. And because he gave so much to the Catholic Church, and then even recently, you know, and I don't watch TV, but and I don't read the the news or any of them, when I can avoid it, because there's so much negativity, but you know, my, my sweet mother is like my net, my news. And she's like, well, the Pope said this, and this is just terrible, because we're all God's children. I mean, we're mothers, like a little saint. She's very nice. And, but that like one statement caused a whole lot of people, including my uncle to say, I will never step foot back in a Catholic church, because they're not treating us, like God's children, as they would say, and as they teach these kids, and I'm like, I'm not going to a place of worship like that weekly ever anymore, if that's the mindset that they're going to project. And you know, I'm an adult, so it's, but of course, my mother, they call it an EMC, where it's like, you go for Christmas and Easter. So it's like, you know, go to make my mother happy. But it's like, as you get older, you start to see some of these things where they're stereotypes. And it's just, it's so negative. And if I try to project like, open mindedness of having an open mind or asking the questions will, have you ever experienced that? Do you have anyone in your family? And if they oftentimes say, well,
No, unlike then you don't know what it's like and the opinion that you're forming. You don't have anything to go off of. It's just hearsay. So just, I challenge you to think about it a little bit differently before you open your effing mouth.
But it's
always like, I don't know what God y'all are listening to. But that's not what my God says she's like, clean.
I just I don't, I don't understand. So no, it's just, it's when you say, like, get your values in order, how you were raised, and what you were taught is one thing. But then, and especially when you own a business, you have to look at things a little bit differently. And so I've learned to ask more questions, and ask for help, like, ask other people who don't look like you for help. And I don't I don't know, where in our society, people said, asking for help is bad, or having a therapist is bad, or asking for leadership or guidance. And for those of us who have the mindset of asking for help, and asking for clarification, like we're growing, and we're constantly learning, and contributing to making things better. So do you have any thoughts on that where you have in your coaching practice, where you have really pulled out the values in someone, and it's like, they walked into a session thinking this and then you completely got them to see it a different way. And then they walked out of the session completely seen something different? Well, that happens every time. Like we have a an M from implicit to explicit, that's our values masterclass that we do and pause on a play. And I have yet to have anyone come through this, that didn't start off thinking, Oh, I know. And then they got to the end. And like, I had no idea. It happens every single time. Because we're getting you to not only figure out your personal but how the personal informs the professional. And let's distill this down. Because too often, we first of all, to go back to what you said a little bit ago, I want to acknowledge that people wait to figure out their values, when they're in the middle of needing to have a value around something to make a decision, which is the wrong answer. value should be there when you think you don't need them. Values are created when you're a company of one. Because it informs how you hire it informs how you spend your money. It informs who you take in content from it informs the things that you participate in and lend your expertise to. So it should be there beforehand. However, what I think happens sometimes is people don't take the time to reconsider their normal to understand that even when we think about asking for help. Everybody can't ask for help. Because there are some people that asking for help, might mean that you now look like you don't know. And it can be used as a weapon against you. And so unfortunately, part of what's happening is we're having to reprogram who can ask for help? What does it mean to ask for help? And what does it actually look like to receive it? Because there are too many people and, you know, like, I'm somebody that sits at the intersection of being a black woman. I'm 41 so I am not young, depending on who you ask, but I'm not in my 20s You know, I am not skinny I am as I heard someone online saying I love it, I am plush, Pl Ufh and I enjoy that. Okay, so all of those things, love it. Don't like I am not a white, young, thin sis hetero normative white woman that, you know, here we go or a white man for that matter, and none of those things. So therefore, me asking for help. means that I have to say that I don't know. And there are people that will weaponize that against me.
And I am not the only person that has that weaponized against me. Someone could weaponize it against you being a white woman because it's, oh, you're a woman you don't know, oh, you're blonde, bless your heart, you don't know. And
actually I do. So there are all types of ways that we can be discriminated against or limited. But I say that to say that the way that you have access to being able to acknowledge what you don't know, and open to information that will actually support you, that will actually help you and doesn't have to be rooted in this is who I want you to be. This is who I need you to be. That's not always accessible. So we have to figure out how we can contribute to changing the narrative of what it means to us.
For other people taking ourselves out of meeting validation from it, because it's not about us, and reminding people that it's safe to not no, it is safe to ask questions, it is safe to receive help. And that that does not mean that you are lesser than, but there's so many
ways that we're conditioned, that that isn't safe. And there's different levels of how safe it is or isn't for all of us. And we have to begin to dig into that to normalize how that process can look and be different.
One of my favorite phrases is, can you help me understand, instead of like, lashing back and
in the in and helping raise a teenager,
consider saying it this way, and I learned that from the teenager therapist of saying the word consider instead of you should do this and all these promotions, right? I'm like, consider as a good word, and can you help me understand instead of screaming and arguing and cussing, and so when catching her in a lie, and I have it on a rain camera, and she says one thing, instead of me like wanting to throw the phone at her and be like, can't you just tell the truth, like no one died? This is not a big deal.
But it has not been normalized in her household where she grew up, that telling the truth that you hit a parked car is okay, like, we all make mistakes, you weren't paying attention, take accountability, you're gonna have to work a little bit harder, because now you have to pay for the bumper, but just tell the truth, like no one died. And
this is why I have a question for you. Because I had this conversation with someone a little while ago and their parent, because I teach my kids because my son was like, Well, if I tell you the truth, am I going to get in less trouble? And I said, Yes. Because now that means I can trust you. And you're being honest. And we're having dialogue. So when my friend and I were having this conversation, she asked her dad who was in the room at the time, and she was like, would you have gotten into more trouble? If you told the truth when you were a kid? He was like, Yeah, I would have gotten more trouble. And so there's this having to normalize that telling the truth does not mean that you will be punished more, or that it's punishable, because now I know when I already knew. And now we get all these other compounding pieces. And so there's this societal piece of like, well, how does this work? How are you conditioned to think this process is supposed to play out versus how it actually is? Because I'm hearing you clearly say, well, that's not how that's gonna work. But yet, for her, she's like, Oh, no, I am not, I'm not owning it. I don't care. You can see it, and I'm still gonna lie. I'm not telling you which. But that speaks to the societal piece to what you can see with your own eyes. And you can still dispute it, which is a whole nother thing. But it's almost like how, you know, like, when you grew up, did you grow up with truth being rewarded? Or was it a negative?
So for me, it's really funny because my dad was an undercover detective. And so knowing like, even as a young child, and I didn't really realize like, how much of I was sheltered until I like, went to college. But I, I was, we were all good kids, because we knew that our dad spied on people, and that he would find out and he would beat the shit out of us, which we probably deserved it sometimes. But it's like, you know, your night you don't do drugs, don't sneak out of the house. I did it one time. And I had a beeper. And I got beeped at, like, 430. In the morning, I was right down the road is my boy, my high school boyfriend's house, and I'm like, I'm gonna get this shit right now to me. And I was prepared for it. And I walked in, and my dad was, like, makes me cry when I think of what he said he didn't touch me. I mean, we now it's like, you know, a switch would come down from the tree and it's like, you know, you get a spanking or you get a spanking with the belt if you talk back, like that's how I grew up and now it's probably like seen as abuse, but I don't see it as being bad now as an adult, but I walked in, and you know, I'm crying. I'm like, Dad, please don't spank me and I'm in high school, okay. And he's like, he looked at me and he said, Angela, if there was a fire, and our house burned down, and I went back in to save you because you weren't out and I died. How would How would you feel
And I'm like,
God, I'm so sorry, I'll never speak out again. I mean, I just, I was so, uh, pulled by what I thought was gonna happen, and then how he actually handled it. And he said, next time, if you feel the need to leave in the middle of the night, you need to leave a post it note on the microwave, just like we do. My whole family communicated with post it notes on the microwave, that's how my parents found out my sister was pregnant. It's from an OBGYN called leave their message. So it's just, that's how our family communicated. But it's like that one time, I'll never do that shit again. I mean, I communicated with my parents. And so it's all in how you handle it. And so instead of, you know, drunk driving, or get high and driving, and then your parents catching you, and then I know some of our friends, like, they got their keys taken away, they got their cars taken away, they were punished, big time if they got caught. But why not sit your child down and talk to them about why this is not a good idea? And talk about the consequences. Don't take the car and the keys away, because you hit a parked car, like, let's sit down and have a conversation about it. And so it is instead of saying to my niece, like, Oh, you're an F and liar, you know, I just, I'm like, I'm gonna ask you one more time, what exactly happened? And then I showed the video, and you know, she, and I'm like, can you help me understand what really happened? And she, you know, she breaks down on the floor, like having a seizure, and she's like, You don't understand my parents. I'm like, You're right, I don't understand. But what I'm going to tell you why you're living in my house with me is that we're going to tell the truth. And we're going to talk about these things that I'm not mad at you. And this is why you have insurance. But when you text and drive, and you hit a parked car, and you're not paying attention, like let's talk about the consequences, so now the consequence is going to be, you're gonna have to work more when it's summer, and your insurance is going to go up. And I don't want these things for you when you're 18 years old. So it's like, like, we've started out the podcast is like, let's just have a conversation about it. And I think so many parents get so caught up. And I'm not a parent. I mean, I have nieces and nephews that I help with, but it's like, just have a flippin conversation. But it's the same way in business, isn't it? It should be to just and there's, there's not enough. And like, literally like that look that you have on your face? Is the look that I have on the inside way too often. I'm like, you know, if we just like this? Why?
It? Yeah, if there was more dialogue, we wouldn't have half of the misunderstandings that we do if that dialogue actually prompted people to consider things differently, and to make changes based on that. But it does have to be again, with being willing to even consider that they are realities outside of your own that are just as valid and are still happening all at the same time. And there isn't enough, there isn't enough conversation. There's not enough, how can I do this differently than I was conditioned to believe that this could only look this one way? How is it that I can approach or process this information differently with you, in order to get a different outcome, not just now. But hopefully going forward? How can we just shift all of the things to be able to make it more aligned for what we get? In the future, it's less about just right now. It's about what's next. And if there was more of an opportunity to go into that, I think it would make such a difference personally, and professionally. And it would allow you to have more space for the professional, because it would take some of the weight out of the personal. So you could be able to think differently and approach things more openly, professionally because all of us know that when your personal is bound up. You can't be as open and fluid and creative and solution oriented and future focused in your business. But the things that one doesn't inform the other and that it you know that oh, this has nothing to do with it. They are going to either set you up for success or sabotage you
and you have a choice to choose your path on which way you're gonna go.
So I know that you have a checklist for anyone that is listening or watching and we'll put it in the show notes, but can you tell me
One, what can that checklist do for them?
Well, that is the imperfect ally ship checklist. So the imperfect ally ship checklist really helps you to kind of have that moment of like, Okay, where am I with some of these things? am I actually
doing what I think I'm doing like are my impacts and my efforts lining up some of the things that I'll remind people up to, and I can go on and give you the exact podcast episode. But I have a podcast episode that kind of accompanies it. Because sometimes I think we look at checklists or questionnaires and we do it one very specific way. I think you can be there to do exactly what it is. But it can also kind of check in with like the, what's the opposite side of that. Because when I talk with people about values, it's like, okay, let's make sure things are aligned with your values. But there are times that you're gonna do things that go directly against your values, because you're looking to disrupt the status quo. And as long as you're clear on why there's a place for that, too, so let's go into that as well. So I think there's always ways to creatively think about how impact can be done differently as an imperfect ally.
I love that. So y'all be sure to download that and and try it out. Because I think that the, you'll walk away with a lot of different, just a different perspective. And I had pulled up, you had taken one of the psychology methodologies that we love. And you were blue first, which was 21. And then gold was 19. And then you had, so your orange was tie. So your green was second, and then your gold and your orange was tied at 14. And so people that have the like their string is leading with empathy and asking questions, and leading sometimes with emotion and making decisions like, based on your gut and based on your emotions can be amazing and get you very far in life and in business just by asking the right questions, and just by simply caring. And then the greens, they in some of the things you were saying.
Bye by the greens, their favorite word is why, like asking questions and having deep conversation, it doesn't need to be in big groups like the one on one does, really, the Greens do really well. In in asking questions and having that conversation, don't ask him to get up and do it with 10,000 people at once. Because it could be really freakin overwhelming.
But, you know, get him one on one. And it's great. And then the orange is like, very sporadic and not so much planned. They don't go off the rational and the analytic side when when making decisions. And then the goals are just very planned very type A, again, people stereotype. Some of our clients are like, Oh, my God, they're Bridezilla, or they're so controlling, or they're, they're so type A, and I'm like, No, their brain is wired that way. That's a strength. And we need those people. It's all in how you look at it, and how you communicate to them. Now, if you tell them, you're going to do something by a certain deadline, and you don't do it, you will never earn their trust back. And that is just the way their brain is wired. But to compensate for shortcomings of some people who don't think that way. They want to label and stereotype and kind of say mean things about people.
So thank you for doing that. Because I love to know, like how people's brains are wired, like when it comes to leading businesses. And and then also a lot of people that you know, own salons and they're in health care and things like that they really do care, like about the person, it's, it's all about being an individual person and understanding how you can help other people and serve your customers. So that's always a fun little thing. So I wanted to make sure that I went through that. Do you have a favorite social media outlet that people can connect with you on? Or what's the best way for people to find you and connect with you? Instagram, that is where you'll be able to hear some of the things I say I tend to sometimes even talking poetry, which is just the way my brain is wired.
But yeah, it's definitely love Instagram and you'll even see some of my new hobby that I'm bringing back from childhood, which is roller skating, so Oh my gosh.
That's so fun. Do you do you are you on Tik Tok?
I'm trying I'm like, Oh, this is a lot. I have not wrapped my brain fully around it yet. I love I love exploring it. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if I want to be in it but I get I can get sucked into tick tock for hours if I let myself. Yeah, but there's so there's these roller skater dancers. They are incredible on Tik Tok like, the it's like, it reminds me of being in sixth grade, going to the skating rink, and doing these dances to like the old electronical EDM.
Like
I grew up with the dead that like would dance on skates all the time. Like, I want it so bad. And I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna get there. But I'm gonna dance. Okay, it's gonna have it's gonna happen. I love it. I hope that that comes back. Like, I know bowling is like still a thing I'm like, But rollerblading and skating like it was a thing when I was growing up, and it sounds like when you were growing up to but it hasn't really been a thing here, you know, for the past 10 years, so I don't know. We got to bring it back. But if you're on Tik Tok, like, look for the hashtag. Dancing skaters, I think is what it is. I can't remember their handle, but they're so good. It's like so entertaining and like energizing to watch but this was so much fun. I could just keep talking to you all day.
But everybody that's watching and listening. Thank you so much for being here today. Be sure to tune in next week to another episode of business unveiled. Via that's it for this week's episode of business unveiled. Now that you have all the tools that you need to conquer the world and GSD get shit done. Would you share this with your friends and fellow business leaders? One thing that would really really help us and help new listeners is for you to rate the show. And leave a comment and Apple podcast, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you tune in and listen to business unveiled. You can check out the show notes at Angela proffitt.com/podcast and link up with us on social media so you can share your biggest insights. And I want to know your aha moments. Until next week, remember, the profitable shifts and structures you're creating and your business help you be more present in your life. So get out there and GSD